6/18/2025
ohh wowww so first off shout out to like ten plus years ago seeing
and meeting one direction on this date well my meeting was 6/19 but
my bffʻs was 6/18 anywayyy sooo lots and lots of feels today omfg so
many. iʻm umm, 4 margaritas in rn :ʻ) so iʻve been stressing out
about today for the last uhhh,, about 5 weeks since i knew that i
had to go into work for a mandatory training meeting (mind u i work
remote, work from home, and i have only been there 3 times since i
started 4 years ago.) so i was soooo so nervous i am so nervous now
like always have been but it was brain and mind only. now like i get
sweaty and clammy and nasty when i get super anxious and yeah so
yeah iʻve been so nervous about this day since they sent it out to
us. and so last night i had my outfit and everything ready and went
to bed a lil early. sooo tell me why i had a fucking realistic ass
nightmare that i woke up and it was just 11 am. like my meeting
today was 9-4 and in my dream it was just 11am. i didnʻt know what
to do and i was screaming and crying like at the top of my lungs. i
woke up and it was 6:43, two minutes before my first alarm at 6:45.
lmfao like my brain is so fucking annoying wtf was that. i was so
hot and went back to bed for 20 minutes lmaooo i was like i cannot
do this day after that i have to get a lil more sleep. so yeah then
woke up and was missing one sock and of course that set my ass off
and cried a little but my amazing boyfriend made me breakfast and
helped me get ready and pack my snacks but i was soo nervous i got
to my job and was sweaty and clammy af. thankfully i looked at the
map extensively and knew where to go and everything was fine but
then they didnʻt have any food for my vegan ass to eat except for
rice sooo yeah i started geting hot again and after it finallyy
ended went to mellow mushroom with my bestie. i like donʻt really
hate my job i just hate working and idk i just wish i didnʻt feel
the way that i do and idk. i feel like working in person would be
fun but it would actually be awful bc it would turn my 8ish hour day
into like a 11 hour day wtff with like driving and traffic which
yeah is soooo annoying. anyway thank da gods i made it through with
minimal embarrassment and i donʻt hate everything after it. the
mellow mushroom pizza was good asffff and iʻm listening to sailorrʻs
album on my janky ass speakers that i didnʻt know still worked they
have a weird ass buzzing from mice chewing on them in my old house
like 17 years ago and sometimes you can hear radio stations
randomly<3 i wish it was friday sooooooooo bad</3
6/2/25
oh not me saying life was getting better and life was like shut up
you stupid hoe >:[ wow i've really been going through it the past
week!! so last tuesday i had my second therapy session and said she
definitely thinks i have c-ptsd. hmm i talked about regular ptsd
with my last therapist years ago but i've never even heard of
c-ptsd. apprently the c stands for complex and stuff that happened
during childhood. definitely checks out lmao. like i know my life
wasnʻt that bad but it still fucked me up lolol damn. anyway then on
wednesday i had a suicidal spiral and idk it was weird i havenʻt
felt like that in such a long time it was really strange almost like
an out of body experience and i just couldn't do anything but hold
on for the ride ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡
i have a lotttt to unpack and honestly i don't even know how to do
so or where even to start so yeah this is fun. could this really be
part of what's causing my physical pain?? i definitely have terrible
posture i need to work on but that would not only be fucking wild
but sadly also make a lot of sense lmao. and also rofl. idk. it does
seem to correlate to my period also so i started taking some chaste
tree supplements like at this point i'll try honestly anything. i
just want to feel normal again!!!!! ( `ε´ )
in website news i aleady want to redo everything like i do love my
lil imac i drew she's cute but just not really my exact vision, just
bc there's such little room for content lmao. i literally just added
content to this mf site but this layout has been sitting here for
about a year so it's old as hell to me lmao. also want to actually
use a framework hehe but this is fun too
5/23/25
it's the first day of my four day weekend and it feels sooo good to
not be working lmao. it just takes up tew much time :'(
anywayy life is going alright, getting better i think? i've been
experiencing severe pain in my back/chest/shoulder blade that also
affects my breathing for like uhhh damn many many months now. back
in january i went to the doctor because i couldn't breathe i was
like hmm is this it for me? of course everything is normal who the
hell knows :-))) i was scared of the chiropractor but finally went
and am starting to feel a lil bit better so that's good?
i hope they can cure me but oh also it's all been so expensive yay
healthcare (╥﹏╥)
